Quarantine Update

With some tips on how to keep yourself entertained during the pandemic, here's Weekend Update's City Correspondent Stefon.

If you're looking for a fun place to go during your quarantine, I have the perfect place for you.
New York's hottest club is COVID-19.
This STUDIO-54 knockoff / forced early retirement party is located in a temporary hospital floating on the Hudson River.
It has everything - Unemployment benefits, bleach injections, an orange baby throwing a temper tantrum.
The one thing it doesn't have is enough testing kits for everyone.
The bouncer is a gun-toting gay man with a mullet petting a tiger, and the password is "sardine oil".
And leave your cash at home, because this place only accepts toilet paper as currency.

This doesn't sound like a good idea. I mean, we're supposed to be practicing Social Distancing. Do you have anything that people can do at home?

Yes,yes,yes,yes,yes...
If you're into social distancing, then look no further.
New York's hottest club is "Can everyone please make sure you're on mute".
This ultra-morbid Zoom meeting is the brain child of world famous immunologist, Dr Anthony Flatulence.
It's located after the marble races that are currently airing on ESPN.
But this club is only open on Wednesdays, which, as far as you know, could be today.
The dress code is business casual, (pants discouraged).
Dance the night away to music from the Wuhan Clan.
And if you’re lucky, you might see a SCUMBA.

What's a SCUMBA?

It's a Self-Contained Under-Midget Breathing Apparatus. It’s that thing when a midget who’s all hopped up on PPE climbs on your chest and breathes into your mouth like a ventilator.

Hopped up on PPE? What does that even mean. PPE stand for Personal Protective Equipment?

Oh, don't worry. Personally, I always use protection on my equipment.